Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

and this one

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”