Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
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Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Finally, an instrument I can play!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”