Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

nature’s most graceful animal

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.

They’re trained for that.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

There are usually two types of merchants.

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.