Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“Worm Regards”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Body by sandwich.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went