Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like

Wife: those are our children

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company