Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?