Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

Just had an Aha moment

Then a Duran Duran moment

Then a Eurythmics moment

I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.