Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
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Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
thank god the sign was there
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT