Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY