Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.