Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

My Sentiments Exactly

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

be careful

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

sigh

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.