me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
You Might Also Like
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
channeling her this year
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling