Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic