me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
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Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree