me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
As the Lord intended
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.