me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
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me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
DOOO EEEET
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy