* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
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Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
The old gods are rising again.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Good news
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.