Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
seems like a niche market
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.
-husbands everywhere
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic