Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Cat is stressing him out.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”

“Oh. CrossFit?”

“No. Gambling.”

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Woke up against my better judgement again

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.