Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
We need more people like this.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.