me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
smartest karate player in the world
this is funnier than any friends episode
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂