How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
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Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless