@ThaJawn

Me: Hey, I’m here for the playdate.

Her: Where’s your son?

Me: Oh he didn’t want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..

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@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@Sickayduh

Hour 3: The group of hipsters has accepted me. However, the leader seems suspicious of the cinnamon roll man bun I taped on top of my head.

@JimmerThatisAll

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

@ThisOneSayz

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

@girlontapas

Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.

@Marlebean

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

@Jenny4ashley

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

@iGreenMonk

Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!

Communicate!

Hide when real work comes!