ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
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“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
cry laughing at this shit
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.