ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I’m going to need a moment here.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.