Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Baller is short for ballerina

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

channeling her this year

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Current mood: Potato

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth