Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Damn he played himself

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which