Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

This is true.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*