Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF

explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Looking at you, Jesus.

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me