Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Yup….perfect score!
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
