Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
This fish is cracking me up
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
