Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I can also cook 😂
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Stop sending me this shit.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]