Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Me: I want more

Dentist: excuse me?

Me: you know how you take teeth out?

Dentist: yea

Me: do that but the opposite

came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

is this meant to deter me

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999