Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

*checks Timeline*…

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*