@AndyAsAdjective

ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

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@man_spach

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

@iTweetNShit

$2000 date? We better be sitting at the table with Jay-Z and Obama at the same time while eating dinosaurs & sippin’ on virgin Indian tears.

@simoncholland

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

@Book_Krazy

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen

@VerifiedJayy

According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was

@Jandalize

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

@QwertyJones3

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

@Fenyris

I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

@cool_as_heck

Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s