ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!

KIDS: we do!

M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up

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Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying


Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.


I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.


Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.


*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.


I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.


People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.


Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
Boss: See


people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up