ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.