Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

Life cycle of cat

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”