Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.