Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You Might Also Like
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
🤔😂😂
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts