Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Who wants to be my Valentine?

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why