Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

yeah nice try. not falling for that again

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket