@Browtweaten

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

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@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

@TheMongoose69

Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.

@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see

@ObscureGent

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

@Sickayduh

“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”

@LukeAdams95

Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago