Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.


Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital…

Proving once again that white guys can’t wrap.


This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!


“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.


[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey


My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you


[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see


I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.


“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”


Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago