@Browtweaten

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

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@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

@mzyvonne7

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

@andlikelaura

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

@Steven37366100

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

@matt___nelson

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@NewDadNotes

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@80sjams

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’