Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
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It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers