Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
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We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
When I snag the last meatball.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
For the ones in the back.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My boss called in sick of me
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again