ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
✨☝️✨
