Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

[running amok in flames]

WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.