Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”