@IndecisiveJones

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

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@otterwrangler

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

@LeonEarlgrey

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

@NJPsychDoc

If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.

@peytnhaag

me: if u drink this coffee ur gonna get jittery and anxious and ur gonna feel sick later
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me think fast

@IndecisiveJones

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

@Kelly_skeleton

People who have ‘taken’ in their bio, sit tight, Liam Neeson will around to collect you shortly

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@Darlainky

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.