Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.

My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.

Me: You weren’t born yet then.

5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.

Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

Muppet Screams

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.