Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

nobody’s gonna understand

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

*pronounces UPS like yoops

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.