Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

new wife guy just dropped

grandpa was shocked

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place