Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

when dads have a rap battle

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.