Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Lmfaoooooo
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.