Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.

He’s hoping to make big bucks.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me:…

Cashier:…

Me: yep

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”