Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Here to help

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here