Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.