Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

i want to work in this restaurant

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?

Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg