me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair