me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I hate everything
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…