@SunshineJarboly

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

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@Mostly_Cheese

Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.

@erinmallorylong

ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.

@MehrangizC

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

@RevHughGRection

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

@sexypitabread

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

@withanewname

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

@KyleMcDowell86

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

@realHamOnWry

Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.

@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.