Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
R: No you stay here and help me.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
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ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: that could what Charles
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Mrs.Potato seemed genuinely upset that her husband was missing, but the smell of French fries in her kitchen made the detectives suspicious.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.