me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
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left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Seas the day!!!!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
😂😂😂
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*