Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

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If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

what it’s like dating me:

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair