Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You Might Also Like
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
File under excellent bookstore names.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer