Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.