Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas

Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Them: Can you recommend a show for me?

Me: Captain Caveman?

Them: Maybe something more for adults?

Me:

Them: Sorry.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.