Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

March 16

JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here

MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula

WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.