Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume