me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I didn’t know they can drive…
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
