me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
