me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
⛄️
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I triple waxed for this?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
