Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
At least try to make it slightly believable
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID