me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My teenage children choosing violence
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow