ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS