ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

You Might Also Like


Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?


My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.


My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout


Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁


Remember when you first started reading this tweet? We were just crazy kids back then, not a care in the world…


Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.


I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.


I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.