Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Remember when you first started reading this tweet? We were just crazy kids back then, not a care in the world…
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.