@dafloydsta

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

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@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@LarrysTwin99

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

@ndiquote

[first date]

her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?

me : at our daughter’s piano recital