Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
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*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital