@dafloydsta

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

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@TheDizzyBeauty

Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?

@DiamondLou69

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

@mom_tho

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

@Jake_Vig

Remember when you first started reading this tweet? We were just crazy kids back then, not a care in the world…

@mrklixx

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

@hpb777

I’m at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I’m half naked & being chased by my TC’s wife who found me in his closet.

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.