Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

My birthstone is kidney

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

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Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

for all #parents out there

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”

Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.

friend: I was named after my father

me: *aware of how time flows* correct

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…